I can only be myself.

http://www.willowcabinstudio.com/finalhome.html

It's all I can do.  I'm the second to last on the right on this draft.  Kind of depressing, but these things need to be contemplated.

Go, Laura!

Glitter & Gold I wish I could get cash 4.

Truly horrid.

These don't get old for me.

And it's so catchy!

It's time to lose the holiday gut!

Thanks to my wonderful sister and her family, I get to get back into some hot yoga.  Two summers ago I started going to Bikram Yoga LES, and during that time I never felt more calm or less anxious.  Or flexible!  Read about it here.  I'm excited to get back to that!  

6 cakeballs, many ounces of taco dip, brownie casserole, cannoli dip, turkey sammiches with mayo, broccoli and cheese casserole, rum and cokes, more dips, chicken wings, more cheese items, bread dip, cupcakes with good frosting, cupcakes with bad frosting, deviled eggs when you don't even really like them, and the list goes on.  Free holiday food is the best thing ever.  And it was totally worth it, but now it is time to detox and get back to some holistic healing of my stomach and colon.  Let's do it up, hot yoga!  Combined with a normal helping of Zumba, of course.

Speaking of dip, you should watch this episode of a new kids' show called Fish Hooks.  It's the closest I've seen anyone get to good old fashioned Nicktoons styles similar to Rocko's Modern Life and Ren and Stimpy.  It's not as "gross" but it's definitely one of the most entertaining cartoons out there.  My favorite characters are Jocktopus and Clamantha, by far.  I'M A CLAM!

Go to 9 minutes and watch from there if you want to see my favorite parts...

Another awesome kids' show is Phineas and Ferb.  (By the way, I am very justified in watching these shows.  I have nieces!  I need to make sure they're digesting good media!)  You should watch this episode.  

The writers of this show may have been following me around to write this one. I would totally date a guy named Doofenshmirtz.  Go to 3:56 to see what I mean...

You will be bored perhaps by this.

But as I've said before, "It's my bloggy and I'll write what I want to!"

So, I tried the semi-straight hair thing and I just didn't feel like myself. At least I entertained the notion of being "acceptable." Ha!

In more interesting news, saw Diamond Doves last night. Nick Kinsey is totally the new Levon Helm. They are a very entertaining band. IN fact, they are like 3 bands in one, depending on who is singing. There are the lovey songs sung by the long haired and very endearing brunette dude, such as the one that goes: "one way / or the other / BABE / we're bound to be lovers." And the funky peppy but dark songs sung by drummer Nick Kinsey, aka my favorite musician of the moment, one of which bluntly states: "and I know / you want / to hear / from me / but I know / you're not / you see / the one that I love" (more or less, they don't have an album out yet so I'm just gong by memory here.) And then there rare the droney songs sung by the blonde guy. I'm still letting his contributions grow on me, this is only the second time Ive heard them play without Elvis Perkins. I really love how different they sound without Elvis. I love what Perkins does. Reallly reallly love it. But sometimes those poetic lyrics that make you cry and think are too much for me to handle. Diamond Doves sing some good old fashioned rock tunes about workin' and travelin' and love-makin' with a variety of different sounds and styles. Sometimes that's just what you need! Also, the Brooklyn Bowl is glorious. Half bowling alley, half concert venue with bar. What's not to love?

The headlining band, Surprise Me Mr. Davis, wasn't the greatest, but, to be honest, I wasn't really listening. One of the singers looked like a mix between Will Oldham and Ezra Pound mixed with a little surfer dude. I made a new friend and he and I spent the entire time comparing everyone we saw to other bands and people, so perhaps I didn't appreciate them as much as I should have.

You know what I did appreciate? The fact that Diamond Doves' violinists are two sisters, one who is a student at Bard and one who is 16. It's funny, their brother also plays the violin. They're like the violin Von Trapp family minus the Nazi undertones. I met the Bard one and she agreed with me that one would be hard-pressed to find any straight female who wouldn't be into my imaginary boyfriend. Who has a ladyfriend, of course. Sigh! IF you're out there, Nick, I'm completely harmless. I just know a good performer when I see one!

I don't think I've ever looked forward to or have been more excited about a band releasing an album this much before. This is saying a lot, since I spent a good month or two of my life only listening to Wilco's "Sky Blue Sky" previews over and over again until it officially came out.

It's a nice feeling, to remember how to be excited. Alive alive!

The Tallest Man on Earth - The Gardener

Okay, so maybe I'm in an "A Little Lost" + Tallest Man on Earth phase.

This song. Damn.

SENSUAL CHRISTMAS BEAR!

SENSUAL CHRISTMAS BEAR!

Amazing.

SQUIDTIVITY!

http://www.etsy.com/listing/61504199/complete-squidtivity-includes-all-3

Media Phases

I go through periods of time where I listen to the same thing over and over again.  Almost in a Rainman-like way.  As of last night I've officially began my "A Little Lost" phase.  This is a bit different than other phases I've been known to go through.  Usually they revolve around a particular artist, and not just one song.

I first heard "A Little Lost" at a dorm event when I lived on Broome Street.  It was "Freeform Music Night" hosted by Prof. Bryan Waterman in his faculty apartment.  My friend Kelly played it and we were all silent.  At least that's where I think I heard it first.  Since that night, I've been going in and out of hours that turn into days that turn into weeks where that song is all I want to hear.

This first installment from YouTube is the original song.  Given my penchant for marine life, it's like the person knew I would need a video like this to supplement my life on a regular basis.

The second version is from Jens Lekman, a Swedish singer/songwriter.  He uses a pretty cool little instrument called the kalimbo and I like what he does with the melody.  This is an instance where poor video quality "works."

I've been watching various live versions and whatnot that he does with the song.  It's calming.  He takes it so slow, like he's forfeiting his feelings.  Plucking away at the thumb piano, it's a delicate and pretty way of "giving up" and finally getting it all out there.  A musical sigh.  It's a bright, at times, like when he sings "I'm so busy, so busy/ Thinkin' aboutttttt kissin' you."  And then it goes back to contemplative and confessional and grave, as if being pulled back down to reality.

Russell's version is driven and a little hypnotic.  I think it's way more playful and sweeping than Jens' version.  I like how he delivers parenthetically: "I'm a little lost/ Without you (but that could be an understatement)."  It's funnier.  The punctuation and delivery throughout his version is funnier.  And more hopeful, like he's trying to win someone over by being a little self-deprecating and amusing.  Hmm...sounds familiar!  We have similar styles, haha.

Depending on my mood, I go back and forth between the two.  Somedays I listen to both several times, back to back.  

Help me keep my job!

Send it to everyone you know.  Please!?

Outtakes coming fairly soon!

Counterphobia

Anyone else do this?  I didn't know there was a name for it.  I thought it was called "living."

Go falling, too.

But a bitch ain't one.

I'm so damn proud of this video, it's ridiculous.  Shout out to Jon for being awesome in the video with me!  I'm glad I finally got to make a tribute to Jay-Z.  Without him, after all, my blog would have some lame title!

I love it when...

upbeat songs have dark, dark lyrics.  It's about a guy who kills everyone who he thinks might be trying to tell his gf the truth that he's a liar, and then buries them in his pretty garden.

The J&H Productions Guy Tape (1980

The J&H Productions Guy Tape (1980

So weird. Accidentally avant-garde and musical ambitions.

If anyone ever breaks up with me

They better make it this good.

I couldn't have a dream better than this.

This is a cool project.

The publicist/videographer/photographer of my improv group is awesome.  She's doing a master's thesis on body image and it's very well done.  She's been interviewing women from age 21 (me!) to age 86 about how they feel about their bodies, and how their perception of their bodies has changed throughout their lives.  Then she took really awesome portraits of all of us.  After that, she recorded our reactions to the photos.  From what I gather (and from my own experience at the shoot), no matter how pretty of a picture we take and no matter how many times someone might say "Oh, well, you're cute," most of us still feel inadequate.  And we all deal with it in different ways.

You suck, media!

Anyway, here are some of my pictures.   I kinda dig them.  There are obviously some things I wish were different but I am going to take a stand for all of us and and say... I'M ALRIGHT!

haha

Yes, that's a shout out to Moby-D in muh photos!  What whaaat!

I want to put this on a t-shirt.

This is what I do when I get bored at home or in meetings... I mean, of course I don't doodle electronically in meetings...

Come out with an album, already!

Do yourself a favor and listen to "Babe." Thanks.

http://www.myspace.com/diamonddoves/music

This could also cheer you up.

In my attempt to save some of the image from the dark abyss, I turned Destiny's Child into an art film.

The first song of the night was Toni Braxton's "Unbreak My Heart," which she and I used to sing in the Broome Street office during our shifts together.  We scared a lot of residents away, I'm sure.  But, hey, that was just less maintenance requests to fax!

If this doesn't cheer you up, nothing will!

P.S. This is my car!

I think the people at Ford must have been spying on me.  Not only does the car fit my personality 100%, their marketing campaign heavily revolves around a goofball bearded dude.

"I designed these lowlights to highlight my sexy ankles...I like to call them my sankles." Plus a Tonya Harding reference.

Here's my car!  I named her BlueFuego.

Thanksgiving Recap

A holiday's holiday. A time when it's acceptable to wear elastic-wasted pants.  A day where it's absolutely scandalous if two people make the same cheese, crackers, and pepperoni tray.  Hours spent stuffing our faces and then complaining about how we ate too much, and then going for two servings of pie.  When most of the guests leave, we raid the refrigerator for that last taste of artichoke and cheese dip.  It's a cozy, lazy day.  Speaking from the synesthesia, Thanksgiving in my head is fuzzy.  Blurry around the edges.  Warm, but wistful.  Comfortable, but full of waiting.  Browns, reds, deep orange overlapping squares.  Cold feet and noses.

Here was what happened after my family left.  Dave and my oldest niece further pursued their love/hate relationship.  Video to follow.  You won't want to miss it.

I drew a giant squid!

For no damn good reason.

The Siena Spirit

LCD Soundsystem - Pow Pow

ADVANTAGES! ADVANTAGES!

I love this man.

The Decemberists - Everything I Try to Do, Nothing Seems to Turn Out Right

/end autobiographical malaise.

There, I got it out of my system.

Now I know I've made it.

My tattoo is featured in the "Prior Cultural Fallout" on www.powermobydick.com.

I used that site to write a paper once!  And I own a t-shirt from them.  Now I'm featured!  Wooo!

Me? Published? Get outta here!

Oh but I am!

www.marcopoloquarterly.com

Now the whole world will know I'm crazy.  Woo!

How Serendipitous!

The last time I was in NYC a few weeks ago, my friend and I ventured way out to Avenue C.  He had been to this place once or twice and immediately thought that it would eventually become "our place."  And, although we've only been there together once, it has.

I walked in and heard a familiar voice singing in the front of the room.  And then I looked over to the bar and saw a familiar face.  It was Frank Hoier and Feral Foster of Washington Square Park and Sidewalk Cafe Fame!  It was the first Manhattan edition of Roots 'n' Ruckus, a weekly roots music jam that's usually in Brooklyn.  I had met them years earlier as a student at NYU.  Feral even borrowed a pen of mine to write some other chick's information down.  A few months later, I saw them in the park again and my friends and I sat and sang with them.  I hadn't seen them since I was a sophomore.  No, they didn't remember me as they meet tons of people all the time.  But I really like their music, their style, their philosophy.  You should really check them out.  Here are some highlights: "We Both Live in Brooklyn Babe," "Comin' 'Round" and "John Henry."  My Frank Hoier impression was a long-standing source of entertainment for my friends.

So, that was cool.  Then Frank Hoier was reaching the end of his set as Feral Foster urged him to keep playing, "Just a couple more!"  Hoier paused for a few moments, seeming a little shy and exhausted, but then he started playing another song.  I am still completely startled and shocked and excited and confused at the song he played.  "Walkin' After Midnight" by Patsy Cline.

"Walkin' After Midnight" is probably one of the most meaningful songs of my life.  It would be  number one on the soundtrack if I were ever turned into a biopic.  It was my first karaoke song.  I used to walk around with a case of Patsy Cline tapes wherever I went.  It sums up my general feelings 80% of the time.  It's subtle.  It's beautiful.

The weirdest part, however, is that my friend and I had just sung it the night before for karaoke.  And he and I had decided long before that it was "our" song.  A song that we would put in the car and listen to on wistful drives back to Albany.

When Hoier started singing, "I go out a-walkin'..." we flipped out.  We caused a ruckus.  What are the odds that I would stumble into a bar named Banjo Jim's, two of my favorite musicians would be there, and one of them would sing my theme song that is also a special bonding point with my best friend?  Feral and Hoier's girlfriend Moselle (I'm not creepy, I only know her name because they are in a new band together: Boom Chick.  And they are adorable.) were sitting right next to us and probably very confused at our overwhelmed reaction to this meek song.  He played sweetly and quietly, but we just kept going crazy: "I can't believe this is happening right now.  Is this really happening?  Is he really playing Patsy Cline?  This is really happening!"  We couldn't stop laughing.  I couldn't stop grabbing my friend's arm and looking back and forth between his face and Frank Hoier's face to make sure it was real.

Who the hell covers Patsy Cline acoustically?  It was glorious.  The rest of the night was also ridiculous, as we made friends with farmers from Canada and I stayed a little later by myself and made some friends of my own.  I still get warm and fuzzies when I think of it.

A reason to settle in NYC if there ever was one.  Where else would that happen!?

I'll get there some day.  Eventually.

I'm going to NYC this weekend, and you can bet your banjos we're going back there.  It's like a hajj to Mecca now.

iPad pictures of boredom!

My Mock Political Campaign Commercial

It's not 100% technically sound, but I didn't really have time to make it "perfect."  Oh well!

Special thanks to Kanye, The Felice Brothers, and the cows.

Halloweeny Time

                        

I went trick-or-treating with the kids around my old 'hood tonight.  It was kind of surreal.  I haven't walked around there in a very, very long time.  So weird to think that I spent the first 17 years of my life confined to those blocks.  The big Partition Street hill didn't seem nearly as big this evening.  I didn't get winded walking up it.  Flashbacks of past Halloween costumes came to me as I sat on the ledge in the kitchen where my now overgrown behind used to perch beautifully.  I've been Wednesday Adams, Cruella DeVille, a bag of money, a nun (as a baby - that was my first costume), an alien, Dorothy, the Pillsbury Dough Girl, a rainbow with a pot of gold... It was a nice feeling to walk around and not be terrified that someone was going to pelt me with an egg.  I guess some high school gang-like group used to haze its members and battle each other right along my trick-or-treating route.  Since I'm always the one to get hit in the head with stray basketballs and soccer balls and baseball bats, I always kind of feared for my life.

Never fell into that game where, as a rule, it seems that adolescent and 20-something girls take Halloween as an excuse to dress skankily.  Instead of striving for glances, I usually end up being something that I find super-ridiculous.  As a grown woman I've been a power ranger (wore the plus-sized kids costume), a spoon, The Snuggler, and Werewolf Bar-Mitzvah.  I may not have gotten any phone numbers, but I sure got some high fives of appreciation.  And that's way more meaningful.  Anyone can wear nothing and get stares, so who the hell really cares?  All hail the creative and the absurd!

I really like this time of year, but at the same time there's this weird kind of dark wistful feeling that comes with it.  After all the candy is eaten and you realize you're almost done with another year.  Things start to wind down, more layers are worn, the days all start late.  I can't really explain.  Walking around in the dark.  Wet leaves.  Holidays.  And then snow.  And then the thaw.  And then more snow.  The end of Holidays.  The clean-up.  Unpacking.  Overeating.  Over-heated offices.  Under-heated living rooms.  

Seasonal Affective Disorder happens for a reason.  I wonder how much poetry and music we'd be missing if it didn't exist.  Channel your inner darkness!  Maybe you'll win a Grammy!  Or be a poet laureate for some random small town!  You never know.

I am obsessed.

Ahh! Thank you, Emily!

From a conversation with a friend.

i can't believe i didn't tell you about my dream last night

you, me, and big tom were running a roadside bbq restaurant

except we were the waitstaff and we were horrible and screwing everything up

and while everyone was complaining, you started singing "car wash" by rose royce and eventually everyone at the restaurant started singing and clapping with you

and both me and big tom commended you for saving the day disney-movie style i woke up and thought i had died

it's kind of poetic.

SAINTS! SAINTS! SAINTS! SAINTS! SAINTS!

I might get season tickets.  I'm in the mood. Luhhhh me some live 'n' rowdy basketball games!

It's really funny to go from working/living at a school that has absolutely no significant athletic teams (*cough* Fighting Violets *cough*) to a college that is D1 in every sport.  If only you could combine the two. "A good school with good professors but also fun and laid back and not full of snobbery," as my friend Meg says.

Socially-aware, poetic artists who are also tough, sports-playing, boisterous, mud-in-the-face types.  Girls who can explain the different theories of capitalism and wear literary t-shirts but who can also hit a three.  Guys who tweet their own prose poems and have a "thing" for Truffoat but also can work the fast break.


There's a reason why it doesn't exist, but for right now I'd like to be left in thoughts of my own little utopia.

Yeah, I have a Twitter.

Don't judge me!  It's my "job" to know the ins and outs and what-have-yous of all of this stuff.

Follow me, (and I'll) follow you!

On another note, I have 1940s cinema hair right now.  Sometimes I wish I lived back in an age where curly hair was more acceptable and "desirable."  A time where, in most media, the curly haired girl doesn't get "prettied up" in the make-over scene with use of a straightener.  A generation where the female crazy villain psycho killer doesn't always have wildly wavy hair!  It saddens me when people with curls kill the life out of their hair by forcing it into conformity.  Every day is unique for my people.  Our looks depend on the weather, the type of product, the choice of diffuser.  Isn't that more exciting?

Oh, sigh.

Change of pace...

These are my favorite paintings...because I'm SURE you've been wondering.

Largenee - "Mars and Venus"

Ingres - "Reclining Venus"

I'm crying.

The funniest thing I've seen in person.

Let Me Be a Girl for a Minute

I'm going to start a new genre of posts.  They will be called "Let Me Be a Girl For a Minute."

Sometimes I have to remind myself of this.  I'm not super "girly" in most ways.  I'm not one of those females that men flock to because of her feminine charm.  I don't wear high heels.  I don't wear much make-up.  I hate the word "bitch" and will refuse to call myself or any other female by it.  In fact, I hate when girls say, "Like, omg I know!  I'm such a bitch!" as if it's an admirable thing (although you menfolk tend to gravitate towards those females who do...maybe it's the same as girls being attracted to jerks and bad boys).  Anyways, despite all these superficial things, I am 100%, full-on, super mushy, sentimental girl species.  I just don't show it in the usual ways.  I show it by buying/making too-thoughtful of presents when it's not completely appropriate and crying while watching "The Holiday."  Stay tuned for more insight in my upcoming essay to be published in the Marco Polo Quarterly in November.

Anyway.

For my first installment of "Let Me Be a Girl for a Minute" I'd like to discuss my latest deepest, darkest girlish desire.

This time of year must be the most awesome time to have a mate.  It's pretty outside - until damp, muddy November - and then it gets better in December with the falling snow.  There's lots of fun autumny things to do like haunted hayrides and apple picking and driving around.  Whenever the holidays roll around things always get weird for me.  I'm used to being the baby in the family, up until my two adorable nieces came into the picture.  When you're no longer the youngest in your family, things shift. And it always seems like someone to snuggle with would fill that void.  Someone to buy awesome presents for, go ice skating, attend functions with, etc.

My main preoccupation lately is Halloween.  The day is rapidly approaching.  I will be spending my Halloween with the two chitlins and my sister.  Em and Mo will be dressed as Snow White and mini-Snow White, and my sister is going to be the Evil Queen.  At first I was going to be one of the seven dwarves, but SOMEONE decided it would be better if I were the apple.  An apple.  I'll do anything for those kids, so an apple it is!

The whole time, though, I'm thinking of perfect Halloween costumes for me and my potential partner.  Because all of you who read this know me, I probably don't have to explain my "type."  So I won't.
But, imagine this perfect costume: Beauty & the Beast.  Picture it.  Everyone knows I enjoy a good beard, imagine if I had whoever I was with just let it go cuhhhrazzzyyyyyy and then we got him that awesome royal blue jacket with the gold piping and I wore that yellow Belle dress.  It would be amazingggg!  And hilarious.  And adorable.  And and and and... I just imagine breaking out into song at a party: "...and when we touched she didn't shudder at my paw!"  No, I didn't!  I would never, Beast!

I find Beauty and the Beast so amusing because it is Stockholm's Syndrome glorified.  Identifying with your captor.  "Oh, you locked up my sick, old father and then kept me prisoner...but you're kinda being nice to me so...I'm going to fall in love with you so that I can more easily deal with this grim situation!"  It's ludicrous!  I blame Beauty and the Beast for my preference for hairy, dominating men, which started at a very young age (Vincent D'Onofrio, Alec Baldwin, Zach Galifianakis...would make WONDERFUL beasts and I'd pay any amount of money to see them as such).  Also, am I the only one who thinks when the Beast becomes human he's super unattractive and too delicate-looking?  That Beast was a handsome animal.

Another Disney-themed costume idea: Aladdin.  But I would make the man dress up in that white Sultan outfit with the floppy, puffy hat and the blue feather.  And those pants.  I'd do my best to pull off being Jasmine, no matter how pale I get.  If only so that I could finally have an excuse to sing "A Whole New World," which is in my head all of the time regardless of the season.

I hope you enjoyed this edition of "Let Me Be a Girl for a Minute."  I think my next normal post is going to be about the crazy Christian radio stations I've been listening to...

Assignment #1: Profile a "unique" student.

Of course I couldn't resist putting my own spin on the assignment... I'm good at conforming school tasks to suit my own personal desires.  Hope it goes over well!

So there's, like, the arch...and what else?

A heck of a lot!  Going up in the arch, going to a Cardinals game, meeting fire-eaters, good food, good drinks, the Westward Expansion museum...

I Loved The Lou.  And I loved having my own hotel room for the first time in my life.  St. Louis is a great city with a bunch of different pockets of fun.