“Pre-1990, I was just candy canes and lollipops and ice-cream cones and unicorns; I was happy-go-lucky!”
...that I would drop anyone for present-day Alec Baldwin? Anyone. Yes, even you, Nick Kinsey. Even you, Darren Hanlon. Even you, British dude I met at Footsy Magoo's.
Maybe it's his smart but goofy sense of humor. Maybe it's his pouty lips. Maybe it's his intimidating stature. Maybe it's because he's so smooth and sophisticated. Maybe it's his voice. The man could read The Book of Mormon out loud to me and after I'd be begging for more.
Actually, above all, I think I just want to fix him. Or at least make him feel better. Mr. Baldwin, despite all of his success and the fact that a good majority of people enjoy him as a celebrity, still thinks he's sort of a failure. He wishes he could carry at least one major movie as the lead. What I relate to the most is his internal struggle between choosing a completely different path, disengaging while just living a normal life where all that's left to wonder is "Did the mail get here yet?" and wanting to be recognized as outstanding in his field. He's never satisfied with what he's accomplished. There's always more left to do. Oh, Alec! For realsies. I get it. I think we could have some great conversations together, among other things.
This whole chain of thoughts was jump-started by re-watching a really bad but really pathetically relatable movie, Suburban Girl. After eating dinner at my cousin's house, it was randomly on television. I first saw it on Netflix last fall, when my life was about to take a major turn and I was extremely sick in bed for quite a few days. Just before college graduation. Filled with anxiety about job prospects, romantic prospects, life prospects, and family issues combined with pneumonia AND bronchitis, I found myself virtually paralyzed and my room might as well have been quarantined. While immobile, all I decided to do was read The Dharma Bums and watch Alec Baldwin movies.
I watched Suburban Girl at 2 o'clock in the morning. It was eerily similar to my life, in the most detailed, weirdest way possible. Try to ignore the fact that my "character" is played by a miserably dressed Sarah Michelle Gellar. In the movie, "Brett" is an aspiring editor who ends up dating a much older, alcoholic, brilliant, charming, hilarious mentor-ish man (Alec). Anyone who knows me knows this is right up my alley. See here. Did I mention that "Brett" also skipped third grade? And that "Archie" (Baldwin) took her to see a marathon of Orson Welles movies. The similarities are kind of scary. Almost as disturbing as when I first watched this (starting at 4:00). So startling that I jumped out of my bed, desperately hoping that someone else was up at that ungodly hour. Thankfully, my friend Patrick was awake procrastinating while watching Fight Club. I gushed and tried to explain how confused and touched and embarrassed I was that a 2007 movie starring Gellar could be so similar to my thoughts and feelings. The main difference: in the beginning of the film she is dating an age-appropriate, modelesque douchey dead-behind-the-eyes-guy, which I can never see happening for me.
All I really want to take from the movie is that hopefully I'll someday date Alec Baldwin (or his real-life equivalent) and end up leaving him because I'll have learned what I need to from him and can move on to bigger and better things. (Really, though, if I ever snag an Alec, I'm not going anywhere... until he dies, at least.)
This is what I say: any man who can keep his career going and stays sharp despite the whole world hearing him call his 11 year old daughter a pig on a voicemail message is alright with me. After all, when was the last time you met an 11 year old girl that you didn't want to punt through the wall?
Read this devastating article and you'll see what I mean.
P.S. What do you think it would take to get a restraining order from someone like Alec? At least then he'd know who I am... I'm kidding!
...of course...
