My Lifetime Lifelong Dream

Dear Lifetime,

I want to be the curly-haired best friend in one of your movies. She's always a little less attractive than the lead, but with way more personality and sense of humor. Typically, she is either a little sassy or a little dumb, or she has a kid. The best friend always has to be willing to point out the faults of the lead's man. Unless, of course, that is the role the lead's mother plays. These two types of the best friend character can be categorized under the following phrases: "C'mon, y'all!" or "Oh, I don't know about him." In the case where it is the mother who is against the lead's relationship, the best friend is 160% supportive and finds sneaky ways for them to be together until she finds out anywhere from the middle to the end of the plot that her best friend's man or mother is a serial killer/conman/rapist. She then tries to help by gathering a search party for the kidnapped lead (with or without the mother, depending on whether she is a "good" or "bad" mother) or formulating elaborate plots to help the lead escape the evil man or mother. Sometimes the best friend is also murdered, tortured, or otherwise thrown around. As you can see, I am well aware of the curly-haired brunette best friend's motivation and would be perfect for this role in any upcoming project. Please hire me. I will wear whatever combination of acid-washed jeans, overalls, plaid or flower-print that you require.

Most Sincerely,
Zeld


Has anyone ever seen "No One Would Tell?" It's a Lifetime movie starring DJ from Full House and Kevin from the Wonder Years. In this movie, DJ is in an abusive relationship with Kevin. One can tell this from the beginning, as the foreshadowing is brilliant. Various close-ups of Kevin gripping one of those hand-exercise squeezing contraptions along with bleak music let you know that DJ is in for one hell of a relationship ride. However, I must defend Kevin. About 40% of the time he was really, really nice to her. Incredibly sweet. More thoughtful and caring and attentive than any other testicle wielding person I've ever met. I will venture to say that it almost justified the other 60% of the time he spent hitting her and throwing her into doorknobs. Come on, Deej, you really shouldn't be talking with that Jimmy guy even if your lockers are next to each other, you little strumpet. I saw you making eyes at him. And how hard was it to call Kevin whenever you went somewhere or to stop by his place every day? He obviously wanted to be together forever. And, as Patty Rosborough would agree, at least he wasn't a boring guy and you probably had a few laughs before he pushed you down the stairs.