Insomniacal Reflections

During a recent deep and personal conversation with my friend Courtney B. Vance, I had a great idea for a maternity t-shirt. I'd like to share it with you all. If you want one for your special someone, let me know. We could work something out...

Real cases, real litigants. Here, in our forum: The People's Court.

Well, today is my first day working at The People's Court. Let's hope this "internship" isn't an elaborate ploy to get me in the studio, just to find out that my freshman year roommate is sueing me for that sock I accidentally stole. It was stuck to the bottom of my rug! I promise! I don't even have its mate!

Either way, I'm very excited. All of the people seem laid back but very efficient and productive. I was told that when I don't have many things to do, I can work on a special People's Court-related project. I've been thinking about what I might want to do, but if anyone has any ideas let me know! I want to take advantage of my time there.

Broome 4 Boobs!

Dear lovely Blog Readers,

It's a loving member of your community, dropping a line to let you know that I'm attempting to do the NYC Avon Walk for Breast Cancer in October. I'm walking with my team, "Broome For Boobs" (which includes 3 other students and a professor who all live at the NYU Residential College @ Broome Street). Together we are going to raise $10,000!

And, guess what? I'M MORE THAN HALFWAY TO MY GOAL. I have vowed to raise $1800 and I am currently at $1200. All summer I have been doing bake sales in Washington Square Park, writing letters, putting out change jars, hosting events, etc. I've never done anything like this before, so I'm getting rather excited. PLUS, MY PARENTS DON'T THINK I CAN DO IT! Seriously, help me prove them wrong! If you or anyone you know would like to donate, please visit my personal page at: http://info.avonfoundation.org/goto/andreakannes and DO THE DEED. Please, it means the world to me...and boobies.

Thanks so much,

Andrea

P.S. I am also selling "HELLO MY NAME IS" stickers to put on the back of my Walker T-shirt. If you'd like to put the name of a loved one, a survivor, draw a picture, write a favorite quote on one, let me know! They're only $5. Follow the above link to donate then leave a comment with what you want written, or just e-mail me if I know you and you want to write it yourself!

Pictures with Large Things Part 2

I know you've all been waiting for it, and the time is finally here. After getting through the first week of my last semester, I finally have a free insomniac minute to post the rest of my Pictures with Large Statues. And you'll see it's been WELL worth the wait. I've also thrown in a few snapshots of the coolest playground I have ever laid my childlike and evergreen eyes on. It had Pirates, Vikings, Dragons, big slides, little slides, medium slides, rock walls - everything you could ever desire playing on or around as a youngin'. Notice that my default stance (one arm up leaning on something with the same side leg elevated or crossed over the other) is very interesting mix of a Tiger Beat Boyband photo shoot, a creepy dude you wouldn't want hitting on you in a bar, and the very charismatic Captain Morgan. I try, folks, I try.

Pictures with Large Things Part 1

Last week I visited the lovely, animal-themed state of Minnesota. My good friend Michelle's very generous father flew me to their family cabin in Deerwood for 5 days of canoeing, sitting around, and various Paul Bunyan activities. It was a good time.

The highlight of the week of course was a trip to the wonderful Paul Bunyanland. With only a $13.95 admission price, what fantastic enchantments were in store! As I walked through those glorious gates, there was Paul himself to greet me! He asked how the weather was in Albany and I enthusiastically replied. What a nice guy. Funny-looking dog, though.

There was the famous Ghost Mine Shaft, a pitch black wooden shack that actually stays still but so dubiously fools the rider into thinking they are moving far down, down into the pits of mine hell (A roll of paper painted to look like stone moves against the fake window to create this deception. Brilliant.) The doors open to reveal two grinning, chilling pink glow-in-the-dark skeletons who have met their doom. For every 4 rides there was one attendant, but that was just fine. I enjoyed pressing the blaring buzzer and waiting in beautiful sun for a high school student to come and flip the ride switch.

Next stop was the very disorienting, magnetically affected mine shack (yes, another one!) I struggled to keep my balance and my watch synchronized as I wondered through to the end, finally escaping through the quite tidy outhouse. Phew! What a close one!

Caught frolicking with Babe (as seen above), Paul put me in Bunyanland jail. After a brief emotional breakdown, I think I adapted quite well. Michelle ended up in the cell next to me for a few as yet undisclosed alleged crimes (the court cases of which are still pending).

Here are some more miscellaneous highlights of this magical, extraordinary place hidden way back in a lush Minnesota field:

I want to meet the mailperson whose job it is to climb that ladder everyday... I bet that throughout the history of that box, at least three have fallen in.

Coming soon...pictures with other large mythic animals and an awesome playground complete with vikings and pirates!

My cousin used to look like Aladdin. Now he looks like Fat Aladdin.

Last week I screened the new never-to-be-released-in-theaters Zach Galifianakis movie, "Visioneers." What was supposed to be a fun little get-together turned into an intimate viewing with just me and two other friends present. Everyone else was "busy." But it is no matter. We had a good time anyway. I did not reschedule the event because I needed time to gather photos for the "AMERICAN TUNT" contest. The makers of "Visioneers" let the fans send away for screening kits before the DVD was commercially released, hoping that this way they could generate buzz about the movie for free. I was more than happy to oblige them and send away for mine. If you sent away for a kit, you had the opportunity to enter the "AMERICAN TUNT CONTEST," which I promptly put myself into. Because I knew that I would never win the category for most attendees, I decided to go for Most Beardly Event. So, I donned my beard t-shirt and made Visioneers-themed cookies, which I thought came out pretty adorable, if only for the fact that they had a certain person's likeness on a couple of them. (You can tell the ones that were my first attempts at bearded faces, they're the scary Ahab-like blackbeards with piercing eyes and no noses). I'd like to share with you some pictures:

I could only send them one picture for the category, but here are the rest of them...

I will let you all know if anything comes of the contest. But I'm not holding my breath. Some group of hipsters from Williamsbeard will probably win.

As for the movie "Visioneers" itself, it was great. A very smart change of pace that showcases Galifianakis' goofy and intense presence as well as his superb acting skills. And I'm not just saying that because I have dug the man since the 7th grade - he was my equivalent of other girls' crushes on the Backstreet Boys and the like. As Jonatham Lethem says (more or less) in his essay, One or Two Things I Dunno About Cassavettes, the movie was "all about my life and everything I feel." And everything I believe. I don't want to give away the plot but let's just say that when the time comes, you'll find me in Undeveloped Area 37 working at a coffee shop. I just hope that when the Jeffers Corporation comes and puts that thing on my neck, there's some wonderful, full facial-haired man ready to do the deed if he deems it necessary.*

P.S. The joke from above is mine, not Galifianakis's. I was very excited when I accidentally wrote it during a recent conversation with a friend.

* By "do the deed" I do not mean what you think I mean. Far from it. Watch the movie.

Phase 1: Fizzical Phitness

I've been going to the gym since January-ish, and I have seen SOME results, but not that much. I think my body has gotten used the the usual elliptical, stairmaster, bike, occasional weight-lifting routine. Or it could be the fact that my average baked good consumption per week is well over the recommended per month. Regardless, I have decided to shock the hell out of my body. Not in the Death Row way, but in the holistic healing way.

Today was my first day of Bikram Yoga. I walked in as The Decemberists' "The Mariner's Revenge Song" played faintly at the front desk and I knew I was in my kind of place. For those of you who don't know (and up until last week I was one of you), Bikram Yoga is a set of 26 postures, each repeated twice, over a 90 minute class period. You start off with standing postures, then you work your way to the ground. All of the postures are in order the way that some guy named Bikram decided was best. You with me? So, you're in a room for 90 minutes doing stretches and holding poses such as "The Eagle" and "The Full Locust." Sounds pretty normal.

Except the fact that the room temperature is purposely set to a minimum of 105 degrees. There's the rub. Literally. Everyone drips with sweat, so embarassment and self-consciousness goes out the window - which I like. At times, when the instructor (a really nice young woman probably just a little older than myself), went around the room and gave people pointers and compliments, I felt like I was in elementary school. If I felt I was doing a pose particularly well I would push myself as hard as possible and glance at the teacher, hoping she noticed. I got a "Beautiful, Andrea!" and felt pretty fulfilled. It reminded me of when I would shush the kids at my "table" in 4th grade, folding my hands on my desk so tensely that I probably looked constipated, wishing so hard for the teacher to let us line up in our loafers first.

I went to the studio at 6:45 in the morning and thought I would be the only average person in a room full of champs. To my happy surprise, I was wrong. Someone else almost fainted and I didn't! I know this is a terrible outlook, but it's the simple things that make me rejoice. Not to say I wasn't dizzy a few times, or that I didn't almost collapse face down into my sweaty towels during the "Standing Bow" and "Toe Stand" poses.

...Okay, fine, so I fell once. But at least I didn't fart. That would have been unfortunate because I was next to a shaggy Robert Downey, Jr. lookalike.

New Title, New Outlook, New Perspective... I hope.

Hello, my friends, hello

Just writing to let you know

I think about posting every night

And I know it's late

But I couldn't wait

Hello

Better late than never. Just thought I'd introduce my new revamped blog perspective with a little Neil. Who could resist?

Yes yes, I have changed "Leave Your Keys in the Bowl" to the Jay-Z inspired "Sorry I'm a Champion." It's about time I changed some things around here. "LYKITB" is so 70's. And, for me personally, it's so two years ago. Time to stop living in the past. Pretty soon I'll be all growds up and in my own apartment somewhere near my nieces for a year or so to save money until embarking on some new adventure. Will I teach English to the brats in Germany? Will I jump aboard the Sea Shepherd? Will I give historical tours at some random old place? Will I be a famous comedian? Will I write for a television sohw? Will I work for a music festival? Will I have both of my legs? Well, Dude, we just don't know.

My blog is a reflection of myself. "Sorry I'm a Champion" can be interpreted in two ways. Some days I do feel like a champion, just getting through daily life, working two jobs in New York City makes you feel like one. After all, I'm graduating early (yikes!) and pretty self-sufficient minus that one or two calls a year to my parents where I drop hints for them to send me money to buy underwear and cold cuts. Other days, my awkward, dejected days, things happen where I don't feel like such a champion or I make a fool out of myself. (Example: While riding the escalator up to the platform after getting off the train in Albany, I looked through the glass and waved at a figure who I thought was my sister and darted in that direction towards her as soon as I reached the top. Much to my embarassment I had waved to her reflection and heard her laughing from the other side of the hallway, there where she was actually present.) On those days, "Sorry I'm a Champion" can be read as a more tongue-in-cheek, sarcastic, almost sheepish self-mockery.

I have been compiling notes and thoughts for a couple weeks now and I hope you enjoy my newly titled random writings.

Are you here for a case?

That's what I was asked when I stepped out of the elevator on the 8th floor of 401 Fifth Avenue. Are you here for a case? And I was offended. Because I was there to sit in the audience at People's Court. Do I look like a potential plaintiff or defendant on People's Court? I hope not. I like to think that at least I look like I could settle a small claims suit out of court with a little fisticuffs or bribery or blackmail. Actually, I hope to never be involved in a small claims suit at all, if I can avoid it. I think all I really have to do is never own a truck or buy rims online or have a deck installed by "Correct-A-Deck."

Those were the three cases I saw. And each and every time the People's Court music came on my insides shook with joy and I couldn't stop giggling.

Case #1

Really long and boring dispute about a roidraging Jersey guy using the wrong nails to install a deck. Only highlight: when the plaintiff showed a video of him removing parts of the faulty wood, his dog came into frame and he started yelling at it.

Case #2

Much more interesting. It began with the plaintiff, a 60 year old man, stomping to his podium wearing rubber gloves and carrying a large box. He opened the box with much anger, and then delicately removed his gloves and placed them on the table in front of him. The box had fancy tire rims that one would expect to see on an Escalade... he bought them to pimp out his Altima. This one ended pretty abruptly. The old man was suing the wrong person for the chrome flaking off his new bitchin' rims. He was supposed to go straight to the manufacturer.

Case #3

This was BY FAR the best one, and most television worthy. A man who's head probably weighed 5lb more because of his hair gel was suing his ex-girlfriend for throwing a bag of beer cans at his truck. He brought in the back of his truck for evidence. Words cannot explain how perfect this made my People's Court experience. The best part was that the woman's defense was: "I wasn't aiming for his truck, I was aiming for his head." She also tried to counter-sue for over $1000, for a depreciated $100 CD player and "being kicked out in the middle of the night." Judge Milian asked, "What's the $1000 for in regards to being kicked out in the middle of the night?" "For my rent that I've had to pay for the past few weeks." "Why should he pay your rent?" "I don't know." "That's right you don't know! Sometimes, honey, they're just not that into us. And ya gotta LET IT GO."

Other than the cases, the best part of my experience was that I got to sit next to James.

James is the tiny Asian man who goes to People's Court tapings EVERY DAY. He sat next to me, with a pile of pictures delicately placed on his lap. He thumbed through them gingerly, looking forward to yet another opportunity for his beloved Judge to sign them. A little brat was on set (the boss's son), destroying things and stealing portraits of the judge from the back, handing them out to the audience. James NEEDED one.

"James, why don't you let someone else have it? You have so many already. Let someone new have it."

"But but, this is the new one. I need it."

And he took the picture and buried it away in his satchel. Luckily, my companion that I went with got me a picture with him. It will be posted later. All in all, I think People's Court was the perfect way to spend my 20th birthday.

GayMaryKay Was Way More Than Okay to Me

I received terrible news last week, one of the nicest people I've ever met and one of my biggest supporters in my early comedy career passed away. Ellen Kobor (mostly known as GayMaryKay in the circle of friends we share) passed away after a brief illness. I didn't even know she was sick at all, and had randomly thought to contact her to say hello just two days before I heard the word. Really weird.

GayMaryKay and I took Mike Irwin's stand-up comedy class together in the fall of 2003. She was an incredibly bright and charming lady and I felt comfortable talking to her from the very first day we met. GMK was always so encouraging to everyone else, almost completely selfless in her ways. I'm sure that everyone who knew her at some point has received some little gift or token or tape of their favorite show or comedian from her. Once she even tried to take me out to do karaoke - she knew I loved it. Unfortunately, being the minor that I was, I was not allowed into the place. She felt terrible about it but I was just grateful for her efforts and her company. She got me my first real guest spot, opening for Rich Vos at the old Comedy Works when it was still at the Quality Inn in Glenmont. She contacted the owner and one night I got an e-mail and a call asking me to perform. I got my first show all because she asked and knew that Rich Vos was one of my favorite comedians at the time. When she came to my graduation party, she made it her duty to ensure that I was having a good time by submitting spontaneous songs to the DJ for my friends and I to sing.

When our stand-up teacher, Mike Irwin, became ill and passed away almost a year ago, from what I could see she was always there for his family. At his memorial service she made fantastic collages of pictures from class and his career. GMK was a giver. She lived in Hawaii and worked at Honolulu hospital, and I think she was even a paramedic at one point.

She was also a magnetic personality who dreampt and achieved big. While in Hawaii she became a radio host and that's where she got her start doing comedy. She had many friends, some from all over the globe, which was seen at her wake last Friday. The line was out the door and more than the usual 2 hours were definitely needed.

I'm really going to miss GMK, and I'm disappointed in myself that I didn't stay in touch with her as much as I would have liked. I truly appreciate everything she did for me and I wish I could tell her. Who knows, perhaps she will follow my blog from her own little piece of the Pacific Ocean in the sky. If so, I'd like to say... I miss you and Love & Aloha, GayMaryKay!

For her real published obituary, please click the following link:
http://www.poststar.com/articles/2009/05/13/community/announcements/obits/14773871.txt

THESE ARE DIFFERENT THINGS!

Hey everyone, you've all been hearing about DIFFERENT THINGS, and now it's time you can finally watch it... without starting and stopping and all that rigamarole.

DIFFERENT THINGS is the movie that Kati and I made for the Campus Movie Fest. We had one week to make a short film up to 5 minutes long.

Rate it on the CampusMovie Fest website here: http://www.campusmoviefest.com/cgi-bin/WebObjects/IdeaFlow.woa/wa/showAMovie?movieID=4572

Watch, rate, and comment as much as your little hearts desire.

Thanks to Hannah, Matt, Ben, Noah, Amanda, Cora, Michael, Julia, and ESPECIALLY KATI! Look out for the next installment of More Walking, Fewer Transfer's upcoming films! Wish us luck on the Regionals! They're May 2nd and hosted by Judah Friedlander. ALSO JOIN US THE WEEK BEFORE THE GRAND FINALE AT A FREE SCREENING OF OUR FILM ALONG WITH ALL THE OTHER WINNERS IN THE "NORTHERN REGION." KATI AND I WILL BE THERE TO ANSWER QUESTIONS FROM THE AUDIENCE!

http://www.campusmoviefest.com/nrgf/screening.html